This piece was inspired by my own personal experiences of going through therapy. The following is the caption I posted to instagram when I posted this piece…
T/W: abuse, trauma, & therapy.
For the past few months, I’ve been having therapy for past abuse/trauma. And I kid you not, it’s the toughest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve wanted to quit approximately 22467 times. One of the biggest things I’ve learnt is that feelings are a big old enigma for me. For most of my life, I was taught that my feelings didn’t matter. The sole purpose of me was to be there for other people. This has inevitably followed me into adulthood, to the point where feelings are so confusing to me that my brain just says “nah” and switches off. If I start to feel anything slightly overwhelming, I smile and make it known that “I’M FINE!” … and then I shut down and run away. On the flip side, I’m acutely aware of how everyone around me is feeling. I am so incredibly emotional about other people and their lives. I literally cry at adverts. I’m constantly analysing every situation I’m in to make sure that everyone is okay, and that I’m being what they need me to be. This is apparently very common when you’ve experienced abuse. And it’s been the only coping mechanism I’ve had. But obviously it’s not all that healthy or sustainable.
I naively thought that one day I’d just “have a good cry” about everything, and then I’d be fine forevermore… That “good cry” lasted two weeks. I didn’t think I’d ever stop crying. I was suddenly reliving everything, but with all of the feelings that I’d previously buried. I know there will be maaaaaany more ups and downs throughout the process of therapy, so I’m reminding myself that it’s okay to sit with my feelings, even if that’s incredibly scary. To just be like “hi feeling friends” instead of “omg get out nobody wants you here” 🌝
If you’re going through something similar, or you’re due to start or have started therapy, YOU’RE DOING SO WELL! 💕 Remember it’s okay to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling. It will pass, I promise.
